“Hi, where have you been? It's been such a long time since we last met”
Said the 34-year-old woman with a warm smile. She was not a new one in my life. Yep, i know her age and date of birth. I know the exact moment when she felt like she was having a bad day just because her hair wasn’t as fluffy as she’d like. I know when she applied her red lipstick on her small lips every morning, ensuring she still looked beautiful even when she had just woken up. And I knew that she struggled with self-criticism, especially when her weight increased by even just one kilogram.
My eyes stared on her face, looking for signs of aging that should be apparent at her age. Yet, there were none. The way she spoke, still unchanged after all these years, after 7 years ago.
And there I stood, silent and speechless, without a single word to offer in response.
“I never expected that we would meet again here”
She said once more
“Yes, neither did I”
I replied shortly.
In my mind, I entertained the thought of telling her, ‘I never prepared for a conversation in case we met again, like now’ but I opted to keep it to myself. In the time when we finally met again. In a grocery store, the place I never expected to meet you in person again. At that moment, bitter words suddenly crossed my mind: “Sorry Tian, but I still doubt our relationship to this day..”
* * *
You owe me an apology
For the hit-and-run
For the mangled heart
As I recall I was doing fine
I was on my way
Now I’m on my back
3 days passed without any message from Attaya. She typically reached out to me around this time. Just asking about my lunch menu or reminding me to eat during my crucial workdays.
“I noticed you’ve been checking your phone all day. Is everything okay?” asked coworkers who realized I looked so anxious looking while glancing at my phone.
I immediately put my phone down and continued to work.
* * *
Attaya and I have been in the relationship for over 3 years. Our story might sound a bit cheesy – we first met when Attaya was covering a music event as a reporter and I was working as a LO at that time. She approached me for an interview and after our session, we ended up chatting for a while. Eventually, we gave phone numbers and stayed in contact all day, until officially becoming a couple about a month later.
She is a vibrant and outgoing person, who always strives to look perfect to others. Yet, she tends to overthink every little thing, which often leads to stress.
“Let’s have a drink first.”
I said, noticing Attaya who was pinching her fingers as a sign that she was stressed.
“By the way, I already prayed over this water, so it might just work its magic and calm your nerves after you drink it.”
I tried to cheer her up and she responded with a smile.
And it worked like a charm. She resumed her duties as a reporter, and I could attest that she looked flawless at that moment. In fact, no one would believe she had been experiencing stage fright just moments before taking action.
* * *
Time flew by and our relationship had reached the 3 year mark. I felt it was the right time to take a serious step forward. However, Attaya has never initiated a discussion about our relationship in the future. She was still busy with her activities, opting to stay silent whenever our families asked about our wedding plans.
“Attaya, I want to talk seriously”
I started, as she busily finished her box meal from her live reporting job that day. She raised her eyebrows, a sign that she was ready to listen.
“Attaya, what do you think if i visit your parents this month?”
“I thought you often come to my parents, when you pick me up and take me home”
She said while sipping a glass of water.
“I mean more formally, to discuss our future together,” I clarified.
She looked a little bit shocked.
“Well, if you’re serious about it, then just come over.”
She replied slowly, her tone tinged with a hint of anxiety. I could sense her hesitation, but I was sure she would be better when I visited her home.
Everything went according to plan. My parents and I arrived at Attaya’s house, where we were warmly welcomed by both sets of parents. We talked about many things, including wedding plans. Although Attaya’s expression wasn’t as enthusiastic as usual, she still did her best to answer our parents’ questions.
* * *
Finally, just 2 months remained until our wedding day. The wedding invitations had already been sent out and we had nearly finalized payments for all the vendors.
Over the last few months, we have often argued. Starting from our differences in choosing vendors and other preparations. Even so, in the end one of us would give in because our parents had ordered us to be more patient before d-day.
Lately, I noticed that Attaya’s ego seemed to be at an all-time high. Attaya who always spoke softly, had transformed into someone more emotional. This change absolutely began to annoy me, as it seemed sudden and out of her control.
“How long do we have to fight like this, Tayya? We don’t have much time left,”
I said, trying to lighten the atmosphere. However, Attaya still continued to overflow.
“Do you still want to go through with it? Are you still ready to continue with our wedding?”
Unfortunately, she shook her head.
“Attaya, please, let’s be serious. We only have 2 months left. The invitations have already been sent out. Why have you suddenly changed?”
Her eyes suddenly filled with tears. She wiped them away while her voice trembled slightly as she spoke.
“Sorry Tian, but I still have doubts about our relationship to this day…”
Her voice got heavier with emotion.
“Hesitate for what? What else is worrying you?”
She pinched her fingers again, tears streaming down her face.
“Too many things, Tian. I’m sorry, but I haven’t found a reason to spend the rest of my life with you.”
* * *
Has anybody seen where'd she go?
I think she can't be far away
She could be dancing on my stage of misery, all along
A month passed without any news from Attaya. Even when I went to her house, she was nowhere to be found, and it felt empty without her presence.
About our next month's plan? After she ended our relationship, she was completely lost and could not be contacted. I slowly informed my family. Even though they were disappointed, they actually supported me in many ways as I was the one who had the most to lose at that moment.
A few months passed and I heard news that Attaya had moved to another city. Her career as a reporter had already ended, and she had chosen a nomadic lifestyle. I had blocked her on social media out of my deep disappointment and anger. I didn’t want to hear anything about Attaya, even though a part of me still held onto hope that she would come to me and ask for forgiveness. After all of this, she owed it to me.
Here’s an experience I never wish to relieve. I remember looking at my reflection, seeing how shattered and messy I was that day. My dream had been shattered–to spend my life with Attaya, the person I loved more than I loved myself. I had dreamed of building a happy family with her, also with our little kids. I dreamed of coming home early every day just to see my kids. Attaya would cook our favorite meals, and she would always ask me what I wanted to eat the next day. We would plan our family trips for the weekend, and she would be so enthusiastic about packing our essential items. We would have little arguments about our kids’ future education. Where I wanted to send them to a local primary school, while she preferred an International school. These were just some of the bittersweet moments I dreamed for our future together.
But, what has happened, has happened. Since then, I have worked tirelessly to rebuild what was broken. That memory set as a reminder that I had already moved past that dark chapter. I never want to feel that kind of broken heart again, yet I’m grateful for the lessons about strength and self-love.
* * *
And after 7 years had passed, I met her again. She was busy selecting cereals and snacks, standing in the same spot where I now stood. In 5 seconds, I could feel my heart racing.
“Tian, is that you?”
She approached me. I did my best to smile even though it felt incredibly hard.
“Hi, where have you been? It's been such a long time since we last met”
Her smile radiates warmth, much like the first time she interviewed me 7 years ago. Her hair appeared fluffy, and I could tell it wasn’t a bad day for her. The red lipstick still lingered on her lips, and I could bet she hadn’t erased it since she woke up that morning. Her confidence was evident, as her weight seemed perfectly proportioned now.
“I never expected that we would meet again here”
She said once more
“Yes, neither did I”
I replied shortly.
We talked for a while, catching up on our lives lately. She mentioned that she had been working as a digital nomad who worked remotely for a UK company. And now she has returned to the city because her sister will get married next week.
“But I am truly happy for you, Tian. Look at what you’ve achieved now”
“You never expected that this would happen because of our breakup?”
I said.
“Sorry?”
“I thought our break-up was an eye-opening experience that helped me tidy up my life. Though it first sucked, I'm happy with where I am now.”
“Ah, so you’re saying you owe me for it?”
She smiled.
You owe me an apology
For the reckless use of your
charm and fame
As I recall I was doing fine
I was on my way
Now I’m on your spell
After going back from the grocery store, I feel it was the right time to unblock her social media. I needed to let go of my anger and disappointment towards her.
She seemed to be enjoying her nomadic lifestyle in her photos. Until I saw a new post that caught my attention. She was wearing the same outfit I had seen her in earlier today. Though the image wasn't clear, I could see the way she was pinching her fingers on the photos, a sign that she had something on her mind at that moment. And the caption left me stunned for a while:
“We (finally) met again at the grocery store. Where he was wearing his favorite band t-shirt, and selecting a box of cereal. I know he will spend tonight watching football, as he had already prepared for the snacks he bought this morning. With whom, I never knew. And I still owed him an apology. Sorry T.”
After that day, I never saw her again.
Whenever I visited the grocery store, my mind was headed to the cereal and snack aisle. Hoping to catch a glimpse of her once again. But she was not there, and will never be there again.
Has anybody seen where'd she go?
I think she can't be far away
She could be dancing on my stage of misery, all along
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