"Dating apps suck. And why should you believe in people who play it?"

That's what I said every time my friends advise me to play the apps. And of course most of them defended as if there’s nothing wrong with meeting someone virtually. 

“I know you realize it, Sal. Your circle is getting smaller. Many of men around us are already married and those who are left are just people who are not ready for marriage. So who the hell are you waiting for now?” 

“I bet on falling with a new guy in real life” 

“There’s no harm in trying dating apps, Sal.” 

“I wish I would never use those kinds of apps. Even if there’s no men in my real life again, I won’t use it for the rest of my life.” I said stubbornly

* * *

Ya, I wish I never said it because it looks like I’m licking my own spit now. A short story, I lived in another city for several months and finally decided to install the dating apps. Just to meet new friends and chit chat, since I realize I don’t have any friends to talk to here. Using my own profile and my best picture (I think). Swipe right and swipe left until finding a profile of a man named Dirga who caught my attention. And from his bio, I know he graduated from a University in Jakarta at the same age as me. 

“Hi” I started the convo after we matched. 

“Hi, before we start, may I send you a pick up line to make it fun?” he said

“Sure!” 

“I bet I know when your birthday is, Sal. It’s in October, isn’t it?” 

“Unfortunately no. But why October?” 

“No, I know it's October 10th. Because you’re 10/10” he wrote. 

“Lol, nice move! But sorry, I'm not good at picking up lines. So can I get your line instead?” It’s my turn. 

“HAHA good one! I think you are also good at it!” 

After that cheesy-but-cute pick up line, we finally talked. Dirga is a man who is pretty fun to talk to. As time passed, I knew Dirga was smart, funny and had a lot in common with me. Suddenly I began to learn about his life, his hobbies, and his interests. And I bet this app is not as bad as I thought before. 

This might be crazy to admit, but I found myself falling in love with Dirga even though we never met in person. I love the way he saw the world and how he expressed his life in peace even though it sucks. 

As you can see, she hasn't met him yet

She already fell in love, I bet

“So, have you two ever met since that day?” Asked Ara, my friend, after I told her about Dirga. 

“Not yet, I think he’s too busy so we can’t meet yet. But I’m sure he will ask me to go someday.” 

“But when? you just met him virtually and now you said that you’re interested in him? Sal, love is not that easy. You don’t know what he’s really like, how his life is, is he still single. Or maybe he has something to keep secret so he never asks you to meet until now?” 

“You are too much, Ara” I said

“No, it’s you. Just be careful with the guy you meet on dating apps” Ara advised. 

Ya, I know she was right. Me and Dirga were having long conversations everyday for 4 months and I know it’s time for us to meet in person. 

“Dirga, may I ask you something?” I tried to start it. 

“Sure, what’s up, Sal?” 

“Do you think we should meet in person? I mean, we need to know each other in real life, aren’t we?” 

Time passed but Dirga did not reply to my chat. It’s not as usual where he would reply to my message without letting me wait too long.

3 days passed and Dirga didn't reply to my last message. It made me super overthinking. Is he not interested in me instead? Or Ara was right, that he has his own secret that I will never know? 

Even though Dirga has gone, it could not shake my feeling that he was meant to be with me. I became obsessed with checking his social media profile. Until I’m going to the place that he has mentioned in his post, hoping to meet him in real life. But unfortunately, I didn’t find him at that place. I was looking for him in the crowd and didn’t find Dirga there. 

“Dirga, are you okay?” I said 7 days later. 

“Yes, I’m okay, Sal. How’s your life?” He said as if nothing happened between us last week. 

After that day, I found out that Dirga was not the same person I knew before. He replied to my message shortly. Sometimes he disappeared and came back as if there were no problems whatsoever. He let me wait for his message. He let me build the worst case scenario in my mind. 

Her keyboard gets slammed by her fingers

But he replies with, "Okay", every time, every time

She doesn't know who he is

No, she doesn't know what he's up to

“And then you still waiting for Dirga after this?” Ara asked. 

I can’t hide my feeling that I’m still falling for him. Even I am also imagining how we would spend our days together. 

“Sal, do you really believe that Dirga is real?” Ara asked again. 

She doesn't know who he is

Yeah

He doesn't see her

He sees right through her

“Sal, I need to talk to you.” 

Suddenly Dirga began the serious conversation. My heart was beating wildly. 

“Sure, what’s wrong, Dirga?” 

“Sorry for letting you know this now. I got engaged 5 months ago, and will marry next month.”

Yes, my heart stopped that time. 

“I know I was wrong from the start. I let our chat go too far as this. I never tell you if I’ve had a partner. I only saw you as a friend, my virtual friend. We can’t go further, even to meet in person” he explained. 

“I hope you understand, Sal. You’re a briliant and fun person. You deserved to be in love with the true one.”   

Her heart gets broken every time, every time

She doesn't know who he is

No, she doesn't know what he's up to

After that day, Dirga was officially gone. He stopped his message altogether. He was gone with all of the dreams I had built. We finally became two strangers again. 

In the end, I learned that sometimes love is not that easy like Ara’s said. It was a painful lesson, but one that I would never forget. I’m not regret getting to know Dirga, but I got lucky. To have found him, to have experienced it, and to have the opportunity to love him the way it is.

Although it feels so sucky, our (virtual) meeting was an eye-opening experience to finally tidy up my life. That life is not just about holding onto a fantasy that could never come true. And maybe, I will be lucky enough to find another Dirga who will love me back in the way I deserved. 

“Are you French, Sal? Because Eiffel for you!” he said. The person I finally went on a date with after our long virtual conversation. 

My heart surprisingly stopped beating for a while. Do I get de javu?