C'est la vie

“Hi, where have you been? It's been such a long time since we last met”

Said the 34-year-old woman with a warm smile. She was not a new one in my life. Yep, i know her age and date of birth. I know the exact moment when she felt like she was having a bad day just because her hair wasn’t as fluffy as she’d like. I know when she applied her red lipstick on her small lips every morning, ensuring she still looked beautiful even when she had just woken up. And I knew that she struggled with self-criticism, especially when her weight increased by even just one kilogram.

My eyes stared on her face, looking for signs of aging that should be apparent at her age. Yet, there were none. The way she spoke, still unchanged after all these years, after 7 years ago.

And there I stood, silent and speechless, without a single word to offer in response.

“I never expected that we would meet again here”

She said once more

“Yes, neither did I”

I replied shortly.

In my mind, I entertained the thought of telling her, ‘I never prepared for a conversation in case we met again, like now’ but I opted to keep it to myself. In the time when we finally met again. In a grocery store, the place I never expected to meet you in person again. At that moment, bitter words suddenly crossed my mind: “Sorry Tian, but I still doubt our relationship to this day..”

* * *

You owe me an apology

For the hit-and-run

For the mangled heart

As I recall I was doing fine

I was on my way

Now I’m on my back

3 days passed without any message from Attaya. She typically reached out to me around this time. Just asking about my lunch menu or reminding me to eat during my crucial workdays.

“I noticed you’ve been checking your phone all day. Is everything okay?” asked coworkers who realized I looked so anxious looking while glancing at my phone.

I immediately put my phone down and continued to work.

* * *

Attaya and I have been in the relationship for over 3 years. Our story might sound a bit cheesy – we first met when Attaya was covering a music event as a reporter and I was working as a LO at that time. She approached me for an interview and after our session, we ended up chatting for a while. Eventually, we gave phone numbers and stayed in contact all day, until officially becoming a couple about a month later.

She is a vibrant and outgoing person, who always strives to look perfect to others. Yet, she tends to overthink every little thing, which often leads to stress.

“Let’s have a drink first.”

I said, noticing Attaya who was pinching her fingers as a sign that she was stressed.

“By the way, I already prayed over this water, so it might just work its magic and calm your nerves after you drink it.”

I tried to cheer her up and she responded with a smile.

And it worked like a charm. She resumed her duties as a reporter, and I could attest that she looked flawless at that moment. In fact, no one would believe she had been experiencing stage fright just moments before taking action.

* * *

Time flew by and our relationship had reached the 3 year mark. I felt it was the right time to take a serious step forward. However, Attaya has never initiated a discussion about our relationship in the future. She was still busy with her activities, opting to stay silent whenever our families asked about our wedding plans.

“Attaya, I want to talk seriously”

I started, as she busily finished her box meal from her live reporting job that day. She raised her eyebrows, a sign that she was ready to listen.

“Attaya, what do you think if i visit your parents this month?”

“I thought you often come to my parents, when you pick me up and take me home”

She said while sipping a glass of water.

“I mean more formally, to discuss our future together,” I clarified.

She looked a little bit shocked.

“Well, if you’re serious about it, then just come over.”

She replied slowly, her tone tinged with a hint of anxiety. I could sense her hesitation, but I was sure she would be better when I visited her home.

Everything went according to plan. My parents and I arrived at Attaya’s house, where we were warmly welcomed by both sets of parents. We talked about many things, including wedding plans. Although Attaya’s expression wasn’t as enthusiastic as usual, she still did her best to answer our parents’ questions.

* * *

Finally, just 2 months remained until our wedding day. The wedding invitations had already been sent out and we had nearly finalized payments for all the vendors.

Over the last few months, we have often argued. Starting from our differences in choosing vendors and other preparations. Even so, in the end one of us would give in because our parents had ordered us to be more patient before d-day.

Lately, I noticed that Attaya’s ego seemed to be at an all-time high. Attaya who always spoke softly, had transformed into someone more emotional. This change absolutely began to annoy me, as it seemed sudden and out of her control.

“How long do we have to fight like this, Tayya? We don’t have much time left,”

I said, trying to lighten the atmosphere. However, Attaya still continued to overflow.

“Do you still want to go through with it? Are you still ready to continue with our wedding?”
Unfortunately, she shook her head.

“Attaya, please, let’s be serious. We only have 2 months left. The invitations have already been sent out. Why have you suddenly changed?”

Her eyes suddenly filled with tears. She wiped them away while her voice trembled slightly as she spoke.

“Sorry Tian, but I still have doubts about our relationship to this day…”
Her voice got heavier with emotion.

“Hesitate for what? What else is worrying you?”

She pinched her fingers again, tears streaming down her face.

“Too many things, Tian. I’m sorry, but I haven’t found a reason to spend the rest of my life with you.”

* * *

Has anybody seen where'd she go?

I think she can't be far away

She could be dancing on my stage of misery, all along

A month passed without any news from Attaya. Even when I went to her house, she was nowhere to be found, and it felt empty without her presence.

About our next month's plan? After she ended our relationship, she was completely lost and could not be contacted. I slowly informed my family. Even though they were disappointed, they actually supported me in many ways as I was the one who had the most to lose at that moment.

A few months passed and I heard news that Attaya had moved to another city. Her career as a reporter had already ended, and she had chosen a nomadic lifestyle. I had blocked her on social media out of my deep disappointment and anger. I didn’t want to hear anything about Attaya, even though a part of me still held onto hope that she would come to me and ask for forgiveness. After all of this, she owed it to me.

Here’s an experience I never wish to relieve. I remember looking at my reflection, seeing how shattered and messy I was that day. My dream had been shattered–to spend my life with Attaya, the person I loved more than I loved myself. I had dreamed of building a happy family with her, also with our little kids. I dreamed of coming home early every day just to see my kids. Attaya would cook our favorite meals, and she would always ask me what I wanted to eat the next day. We would plan our family trips for the weekend, and she would be so enthusiastic about packing our essential items. We would have little arguments about our kids’ future education. Where I wanted to send them to a local primary school, while she preferred an International school. These were just some of the bittersweet moments I dreamed for our future together.

But, what has happened, has happened. Since then, I have worked tirelessly to rebuild what was broken. That memory set as a reminder that I had already moved past that dark chapter. I never want to feel that kind of broken heart again, yet I’m grateful for the lessons about strength and self-love.

* * *

And after 7 years had passed, I met her again. She was busy selecting cereals and snacks, standing in the same spot where I now stood. In 5 seconds, I could feel my heart racing.

“Tian, is that you?”

She approached me. I did my best to smile even though it felt incredibly hard.

“Hi, where have you been? It's been such a long time since we last met”

Her smile radiates warmth, much like the first time she interviewed me 7 years ago. Her hair appeared fluffy, and I could tell it wasn’t a bad day for her. The red lipstick still lingered on her lips, and I could bet she hadn’t erased it since she woke up that morning. Her confidence was evident, as her weight seemed perfectly proportioned now.

“I never expected that we would meet again here”

She said once more

“Yes, neither did I”

I replied shortly.

We talked for a while, catching up on our lives lately. She mentioned that she had been working as a digital nomad who worked remotely for a UK company. And now she has returned to the city because her sister will get married next week.

“But I am truly happy for you, Tian. Look at what you’ve achieved now”

“You never expected that this would happen because of our breakup?”

I said.

“Sorry?”

“I thought our break-up was an eye-opening experience that helped me tidy up my life. Though it first sucked, I'm happy with where I am now.”

“Ah, so you’re saying you owe me for it?”

She smiled.

You owe me an apology

For the reckless use of your

charm and fame

As I recall I was doing fine

I was on my way

Now I’m on your spell

After going back from the grocery store, I feel it was the right time to unblock her social media. I needed to let go of my anger and disappointment towards her.

She seemed to be enjoying her nomadic lifestyle in her photos. Until I saw a new post that caught my attention. She was wearing the same outfit I had seen her in earlier today. Though the image wasn't clear, I could see the way she was pinching her fingers on the photos, a sign that she had something on her mind at that moment. And the caption left me stunned for a while:

“We (finally) met again at the grocery store. Where he was wearing his favorite band t-shirt, and selecting a box of cereal. I know he will spend tonight watching football, as he had already prepared for the snacks he bought this morning. With whom, I never knew. And I still owed him an apology. Sorry T.”

After that day, I never saw her again.

Whenever I visited the grocery store, my mind was headed to the cereal and snack aisle. Hoping to catch a glimpse of her once again. But she was not there, and will never be there again.

Has anybody seen where'd she go?

I think she can't be far away

She could be dancing on my stage of misery, all along

“Waktuku tinggal satu jam lagi. Apa yang mau kamu sampaikan?”

Kataku sambil melihat ke arah jam dinding di stasiun. Tiket sudah ada di tangan dan dalam beberapa menit aku sudah harus berada di dalam gerbong.

Ia menatap mataku lebih lekat, tanpa mengeluarkan sepatah katapun. Hingga akhirnya ia menarik nafasnya dalam-dalam.

“Aku minta maaf dengan semua kekacauan setahun terakhir ini.”
Katanya.

“Lalu?”

“Bisa kasih aku satu kesempatan lagi?”

Tick tock the clock is ticking, time is running out
Before the day is over, I will let you go
Will let you go
I hope we’ll meet again somewhere not too far
Meanwhile I’ll dance alone again with this midnight sky
With midnight sky

Aku menggelengkan kepala. Nafasnya terdengar tak beraturan.

“Kenapa tidak? Kamu sudah punya pasangan baru?”

Wajahnya tampak sedikit cemas.

“Ada atau tidak adanya pasangan baru, bukan kamu yang akan aku pilih lagi.”

“Kenapa?”

“Kamu udah kehilangan aku, bahkan sejak beberapa bulan terakhir. Gak ada yang bisa dikembalikan lagi.”

“Aku udah berulang kali minta maaf, Sal. Masih belum cukup buat kamu?”
Katanya sambil memohon.

“Kamu udah aku maafin kok. Jauh sebelum kamu mengakui kesalahanmu. Tapi aku udah gak bisa buat terima kamu lagi. Kamu pulang aja ya, udah malam. Salam ya untuk ibumu, semua bakal baik-baik aja kok.”

Kataku.

And I would go across this million stars tonight
Driving all the way, wondering if you care
I call your name, a whisper in the dark you see
Did you hear it clear? Listen with your heart

Sudah setahun ini kami resmi berpisah. Banyak hal yang pada akhirnya tidak bisa kita pertahankan. Meski diawal aku terus memohon ia untuk tetap disana. Hingga pada akhirnya aku sadar, menahannya bukan cara yang tepat untuk bisa bersamanya. Sampai di titik dimana ia akhirnya memutuskan untuk benar-benar pergi dan memilih jalan barunya.

They say the stories of our lives’ have been written down
But maybe one should just get a chance to change it all
To change it all

Selama setahun itu, kulewati berhari-hari hanya menatap cahaya bintang dilangit. Sambil bergumam “Diantara semua yang ada malam ini, manakah yang paling menyedihkan : Aku atau si bintang redup di langit?”

*
(Bukit Asah Bali, Januari 2021)

“Sal, bintangnya kelihatan dari sini”

Katanya. Aku segera datang menghampiri sambil berdecak kagum menyaksikan ribuan bintang terang malam itu. Bagaimana tidak, aku jarang sekali melihat bintang se-bercahaya itu selama di perantauan. Sorotan lampu kota dan gedung-gedung tinggi membuat langit di kota perantauanku tampak seperti ilusi.

“Dari semua bintang itu, mana yang paling kamu suka?”

“Kenapa harus suka? Kan bentuknya sama”
Tanyaku.

“Lihat baik-baik deh, ada yang tampak redup ada juga yang tampak paling terang. Mana yang paling kamu suka?”

“Yang paling terang dong, karena paling jelas. Kalo kamu?”

“Yang paling redup”

“Kenapa?”

“Kasian, si redup pasti sedih mikirin hidupnya. Kenapa semua orang lebih fokus ke titik terang. sedangkan tanpa si bintang redup, langit jadi keliatan sepi.”

“Oke, kalo gitu aku juga pilih si bintang redup, biar dia gak sedih”
Sahutku.

Starlight star bright in the sky, who’s the saddest of them all?
Starlight star bright in the sky, who’s the saddest of them all?

Perjalananku selama setahun terakhir mungkin tak bisa dibilang mudah. Banyak hal yang kupelajari, dari menelan pil pahit dalam hubungan hingga menikmati keikhlasan. Dari sanalah aku belajar, bahwa semua yang kita miliki tidak harus jadi milik kita selamanya.

“Tapi duniaku cuma kamu, Sal.”
Suaranya mulai terdengar sedikit parau.

“Duniamu masih luas, bukan cuma tentangku, Re. Sekarang sudah bukan tugasku lagi membuat kamu tetap disini. Bukan tugasku lagi untuk memikirkan bahan tertawa kita hari ini, topik obrolan serius kita, bertengkar kecil tentang siapa yang duluan membayar bill, sampai memikirkan tempat apalagi yang perlu kita datangi besok. Ku serahkan semuanya ke wanita barumu, ya?”

“Aku lebih pilih kamu daripada dia, Sal.”
Katanya.

“Engga, dia jauh lebih butuh kamu daripada aku. Dan aku pantas mendapatkan orang baru. Keretaku sebentar lagi berangkat. Aku pamit ya.”

Dengan berat hati, ia membiarkanku pergi. Bukan hanya meninggalkan kota ini, tetapi juga kenangan kami.

Aku sudah masuk ke babak baru kehidupanku.

Jika hidup diibaratkan samudera, kali ini akulah nahkodanya. Berperang sendiri untuk bisa menembus dahsyatnya gelombang. Tanpa khawatir badai datang, karena sejak awal aku sudah terbiasa menerjang teriknya pesisir seorang diri. Melewati ribuan bintang malam yang berkali-kali membuatku rindu akan kehadirannya. Hingga akhirnya sadar, bahwa kapal ini bisa kukendalikan sendiri sampai nanti menemukan nahkoda barunya.

“Reyhan, terima kasih atas perjalanan hidup paling berharga. Dumugi iraga setata kicen kerahayuan lan kerahajengan. Benjang kacunduk malih. Matur suksma.”
bisikku kepada kabut-kabut malam itu.

And I would go across this million stars tonight
Driving all the way, wondering if you care
I call your name, a whisper in the dark you see
Did you hear it clear? Listen with your heart

Minggu, 5 Januari 2020.

Hari itu langitnya cukup cerah. Kami memutuskan untuk datang ke salah satu kedai ice cream di kota yang cukup terkenal. Meski harus lama mengantri, semua terasa sangat menyenangkan. Ya, aku bersama Ares saat itu. Hubungan kami tepat di satu tahun lamanya. Dan spesial di hari jadi yang singkat ini, kami memutuskan untuk merayakannya disini.

“Kamu matcha kan?”

Katanya. Tanpa perlu menunggu jawabanku, ia langsung berdiri dan memesannya.

Beruntung rasa matchanya sesuai dengan ekspektasiku. Tak manis, tak juga pahit. Apalagi sambil mendengar cerita Ares tentang film seru (menurutnya) yang baru saja ia saksikan.

“Terus pemeran utamanya mati, padahal musuhnya masih sisa beberapa orang lagi.” Katanya dengan penuh antusias.

“Trus gimana? endingnya cuma kaya gitu?”

“Hmm… kayanya belum selesai itu. Kemungkinan ada part selanjutnya. Entah pemeran utamanya hidup lagi, atau ada sepupu dari sepupunya yang hidup trus ngelawan sisa-sisa musuhnya tadi.”

“Emang udah fix bakal ada part selanjutnya?”

“Harusnya sih ada. Paling juga tahun depan munculnya. Pokoknya kamu udah aku booking buat temenin nonton bareng ya tahun depan. Harus sama aku nontonnya.”

“Kalo kita udah gak sama-sama lagi gimana?” Kataku sambil bercanda.

“Hush ga boleh ngomong gitu. Kita masih bakal bareng kok. Tenang aja. Kalo gak sama aku, siapa yang bakal rela nemenin kamu antri berjam-jam disini demi matcha-matchaan ini lagi?”

Katanya setengah mengancam setengah bercanda. Kami tertawa bersamaan dengan genggaman tanganmu hari itu.

Finally we walked along in the dark

As I watched the light reappear

As she held on my hand I believe it would last

I don’t mind if the world standing still

Selasa, 3 Januari 2021.

Sesuai dugaan Ares, film yang ia tunggu-tunggu di tahun lalu akhirnya muncul beberapa hari yang lalu. Kami memutuskan untuk menontonnya meski mendapat kursi paling depan karena semua kursi penuh.

Sesekali aku menatap ke wajah Ares. Ekspresinya sangat antusias menonton film favoritnya ini.

“Kenapa?”

Katanya yang akhirnya sadar sejak tadi aku melihatnya sambil tersenyum.

“Serius banget, sampe abis tuh popcorn diabisin sendiri.”

Kataku sambil tertawa. Seketika ia mengalihkan pandangan ke arah kotak popcornnya dan tertawa.

“Kamu liat gak di film tadi? Tokyo keren banget ya. Kamu tahu gak salah satu cita-citaku itu bisa menginjakkan kaki di Shibuya.”

Katanya sesaat setelah kami keluar dari gedung bioskop.

“Tau lah, kamu pernah bilang mau bikin kedai kopi di Shibuya kan? Aku ada ide, nanti kedai kopinya kasih nama The Jak aja. Biar orang-orang Indonesia apalagi orang Jakarta yang kesana bisa ngobatin rasa rindunya sama kampung halaman.”

“Wah, bagus juga ide kamu. Ada ide lain gak?”

Katanya dengan ekspresi penuh antusias.

“Hmm.. Ada lagi sih. Nanti 100 meter dari kedai kopi kamu, aku bikin deh kedai kopi namanya Bobotoh. Biar ribut deh kita di negeri orang. Kayanya seru!”

Sahutku.

Further along I could see how I wished

That I knew how to stop time

As she held on my hand I could see it won’t last

I don’t mind if the world crashes down

Hampir dua tahun aku mengenal lebih dekat sosok Ares. Orang yang ramah dan penuh antusias ketika berbincang tentang hal yang menurutnya menyenangkan. Namun soal mood jangan ditanya. Sampai hari ini aku masih belum bisa membaca ekspresinya. Kadang ekspresi Ares menunjukkan layaknya sedang kesal bahkan bisa membuatku tak ingin mengganggunya seharian. Padahal menurut Ares, ekspresi ini memang sudah terpasang di wajahnya sejak ia lahir. Tak hanya aku, ternyata banyak orang yang salah menerka ekspresi wajahnya selama ini. Entahlah, mungkin hanya Ares, Ibunya, dan Tuhan saja yang tahu.

Yang jelas, jika orang tanya hobiku saat ini apa, yang aku sebutkan tak hanya tentang hobi menulis lagi. Ya, mendengarkan cerita Ares adalah hobi keduaku. Melihat caranya bicara, sorotan matanya, hingga ekspresinya yang penuh binar adalah kombinasi yang sempurna menurutku. Bersamaan dengan genggaman tangan Ares setiap kali kami bertemu, aku bisa membayangkan apa jadinya jika dunia berhenti sejenak. Entah karena tiba-tiba terjadi gempa dan kami terkurung di gedung yang kami datangi saat itu. Entahlah, yang pasti aku mungkin akan tetap bahagia saat itu, karena Ares ada disana sambil menggenggam tanganku.

Wake up wake up

Isn’t time always been on the run

We walked to the door and we said our goodbyes

And then Tokyo lights fade away

Rabu, 5 Januari 2022.

Pukul 6 pagi di Jakarta. Bersamaan dengan alarm yang berbunyi, ada notes yang tiba-tiba muncul hari itu.

“Selamat tahun ke-3”

Aku tersenyum kecut. Segera merapikan kamar dan memilih pakaian untuk dikenakan di kantor hari ini.

Tak seperti biasanya, tahun ini aku memilih untuk tidak merayakan tanggal itu. Tanpa lilin, tanpa es krim matcha, dan tanpa cerita-cerita Ares.

Beberapa bulan lalu kami bertengkar sengit. Banyak masalah yang ternyata terjadi ketika hubungan kami menginjak ke 2 tahun sekian. Salah satunya tentang mimpi Ares untuk tinggal di Tokyo.

Tanpa sepengetahuanku, Ares sudah melamar kerja disana. Bahkan hanya sehari sebelum keberangkatannya, ia baru mengabariku.

“Maaf baru bilang sekarang. Aku harus ke Shibuya, San.”

Katanya.

“Untuk liburan kan? Berapa lama?”

Kataku coba meyakinkan. Ares menelan ludah sejenak.

“Belum tahu sampai kapan, San. Sepertinya bakal dalam waktu lama. Aku kerja disana. I have to go tomorrow.”

“Kenapa? Kenapa baru bilang sekarang?”

“Aku gak mau kamu merasa kehilangan. Aku gak mau kamu jadi penghalang mimpiku kalau aku bilang dari jauh-jauh hari.”

“Jadi, selama ini, aku cuma penghalang mimpi kamu?”

Tegasku.

"Lalu tentang hidup di Jepang bersama? Ueno Park yang mau kita datangi? Shibuya? dan tempat-tempat lainnya? itu semua cuma mimpi bodoh belaka?" Kataku lagi.

Ares hanya terdiam.

“Maaf, San…” katanya dan berlalu.

Ya, kepergian Ares hari itu adalah awal dari kerumitan semuanya. Hubungan kami, jarak, komunikasi, semuanya jadi semakin tak searah. Ares pergi bersama semua cerita-ceritanya selama ini. Bukan untuk satu, dua hari, namun hingga hari ini.

It's funny how all stretches far and it

Felt like a dream and I’m wide awake

As the sunlight have fallen I stood by the bed

I don’t mind if world standing still

While moments of you being trapped in a jar

When I heard a knock on the door

"Lihat ini, San. Jepang benar-benar menakjubkan. Suatu hari nanti kita pasti bisa tinggal disini bersama. Nanti aku ajak kamu deh buat lihat bunga sakura bermekaran di Ueno Park. Berdiri bareng puluhan warga Jepang di pinggir Shibuya dan kita harus jalan cepet pas lampu hijaunya menyala. Trus kalo bosen, kita seharian di Roppongi deh. Banyak tempat seru yang bisa kita datengin. Pokoknya hidup berdua sama kamu di Jepang bakal jadi mimpi indah kita."

Katanya sambil menunjuk ke deretan suasana di Jepang dengan penuh antusias. Aku hanya menjawab dengan senyuman. Ya sekali lagi, cerita dan mimpi Ares adalah hobi paling menarik yang kutemukan saat ini. Sejak bertemu dengan Ares, tidak ada yang aku takutkan bahkan jika dunia runtuh sekalipun. Karena lewat mimpi-mimpinya, kelak kami bisa membangun dunia berdua.

As my faithful old friend mister time came along

I don’t mind if the world crashes down

Kembali, aku tersadar dalam lamunanku. Aku dan Ares tidak akan bisa bersama, meski kami sudah berusaha sepenuhnya. Entah mungkin, sejak awal kami memang dipasangkan Tuhan untuk menjadi pelajaran hidup masing-masing, bukanlah sebagai pasangan hidup.

Ares tumbuh menjadi pria ramah, lingkungannya penuh dengan orang-orang profesional di Jepang dan mungkin banyak wanita sukses di depan yang menunggu untuk segera dipinang olehnya. Sedangkan aku? masih menjadi seorang penulis yang hanya sibuk memimpikan untuk bisa berdampingan dengan Ares selamanya.

Layaknya sebuah tulisan, kisahku dan Ares seperti diciptakan dari tangan penulis yang lupa untuk menamatkannya. Semuanya terasa berakhir tanpa akhir, meski sebenarnya memang seperti inilah akhir dari semuanya.

Hari ini, Ares seperti berdiri di depan pintu bersamaan dengan bayang-bayang mimpinya selama tiga tahun terakhir. Kami saling melambaikan tangan tanpa kata sekalipun. Hingga akhirnya ia pergi bersamaan dengan redupnya lampu-lampu di Tokyo.

We walked to the door and we said our goodbyes

And then Tokyo lights fade away

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